- Their triumph over the wax solvent
This is but a small incident in the increasingly adventurous lives of the “Zonkabudullahs” - the creatures that live in our ear wax. In this world that is becoming increasingly aware of the necessities of cleanliness and the increased number of specialists who take care of the tip of your mane to the nail that you cut off your toes, these ZonkaBudullahs are living a very precarious life indeed. Many have perished in those tidal Debrox or Murine waves - famous earwax solvents - or under the mighty sweep of the cotton bud or the suctioning thingy that the ENTs use. They have adopted to survive the shampoo washes and the heavy metal music. In this world of jetsetting travelers, they’ve even perfected the art of managing varying pressure levels. They’ve learnt many survival techniques to weather the yawn, the burp and the gulp. They wouldn’t outlast the Debrox or the cotton bud or so we thought.
This is the story of a band of ZonkaBudullahs that live in one such ear - a hairy ear one at that; a zonkabadullah’s heaven, a lover’s nightmare and an ENT’s one more reach towards his shaver!
Characters:
Mo Waxze - Cool Dude
Ohr Wachs - German Immigrant
Waximillian Cera - Chief, right ear
Gluttunous Waximus - Commander
Mezhugooni - Lose gun
Cesara Cera - Chief's daughter, Mezhugooni's girl friend
Keri Hairystotle - Scientist
MAN/Ray - The owner of the ear where these ZonkaBudullahs are living
Beethovax - Chief, left ear
Refer to the diagram of the anatomy of a human ear at the end of the narration. There is a name guide too at the end.
Scene 1: Ohr Wachs and Mo Waxze listening in on a telephone conversation from the outer ear lobe. A pretty precarious place for the listeners. The latter doesn’t mind but the former is pretty shook up. He is there only because his wife nagged him into it.
***********************
MAN: OK doc, 1430 it is. I sure hope the ear clears away by then so you can carry on with the examination. See yea later doc.
Ohr Wachs: *GASP* you hear that? He be going to the Doktorr! Ach Gott! What is going to happen now? Herr Wachs be planning on buying ze 13 holed perambulator for junior! I was about to brung her ze beautiful sediments that haf been so nicely developing near the Tympanic.
Mo Waxze: Oh bother! You knew dat da brother was expectin' some trouble. That why we on eaves droppin' duty dude! No need to panic yet. The appointment in’t until nex' week!
Ohr Wachs: But you hearrd him. What he meant by “clear away?” He is getting ready to drown us in Debrox he is. And that don’t wait till next week in’ t it? Ach Gott! I should haf stayed in zat pillow. I could’ve been alive in that at least.
Mo Waxze: You forget dude? Dat thing was squeaky clean! You forgot da state you were in when we hauled your sorry nether side into dis 'ere neighborhood?
Ohr Wachs: I remember and appreciate it too, truly, but malnutrition is much better than drowning in Debrox.
Mo Waxze: Oh bother! Listen up man, we gotta go inform da Big W about dese 'ere developments. Da sooner we decide what to do da better.
Ohr Wachs: But what can we do? Nothing but pray to the Gott to see us through till the end of the canal!!
Mo Waxze: Come on, pull yourself together man. Lets go, hurry up!!
Scene 2: Waximillian Cera aka the Big W's chambers. A high level meeting has been called to sort out the issue.
***********************
Mo Waxze: Dats da report chief. We be lookin' at mass annihilation - look'd da word up in a dictionary an' been repeatin' it lest I forget - in under 7 days unless we do somethin' 'bout this soon.
Gluttunous: But what can we do? Eat and be merry. Enjoy these last few days of your lives and die with a brave face on. No need of rationing food supplies anymore. Indulge yourself because the day of the reckoning is upon us and may God have mercy on our souls.
Waximillian: Enough Waximus. I rue the day I appointed you as my commander. Only those damn labor laws that you so well promoted are prohibiting me from firing your sorry arse!
Gluttunous: mumbling under his breath
Waximillian: Enough of that. Now, fellow budullahs, I believe our venerated Keri Hairystotle has a plan to see us through this predicament but it involves considerable risk and the sacrifice of at least 2 of our budullahs's lives for this cause at the extreme. Keri?
Hairystotle: Huh? Yes, yes. Marvelous. Thanks Cera. I have been working on this "Project Noah's Ark" ever since my entire family was wiped out in a Brine invasion. For those of you who don't know what it is, warm brine was used for dissolving wax in the olden days. That fateful day, I had a brief fight with my Pa and ran away from the house. I took refuge in a particularly dirty appliquéd part of a pillow and that’s when the nightmare happened, only it was real. I still wake up with their cries ringing in my ears at night. I still remember that the last thing I told them was "I hope you die!" I’ve never forgiven myself after that. I dedicated my whole life as a penance for what I did.
I wanted to make the ZonkaBudullahs as invincible as possible that even the mother of all Debroxes wouldn’t harm a single hair on our kin . And believe me gentlemen and lady, I’ve succeeded.
I had to undertake a lot of perilous treks into the forbidden regions beyond the Tympanum and into the weird structures of the Malleus, Incus and Stapes. I’ve wandered the Eustachian Halls, got lost in the honeycombed Mastoid, slid down the Cochlear slides, battled the seas of the Labyrinth, waded through the forests of Corti and finally arrived at the promised lands. I wouldn’t hide my pride in saying that I’ve found deliverance my fellow Budullahs and with some help from a fellow brave blob and some contraptions that I’ve designed, we can survive his catastrophe and go on living.
(applause)
Thank you. So, this is my plan. We begin this exodus tonight as we have heard from reliable sources that our MAN here hasn’t been to the pharmacy yet to buy the solvent. We begin the process by first evacuating the ladies, the kids and the elderly. Cesara Cera here has volunteered herself for this first phase. They would carry only as much food as they can and some valuables that they desire to retain. The second phase would contain the rest of the Budullahs and need I say that they will be loaded with as much food as they can in order to help us survive till the next non toxic wax build up.
After much deliberation and caucii, the route has been thus planned. I’ve mapped the territory as much as I can and left behind markers wherever possible. So, the first batch takes the ear canal down to the Tympanum. Thanks to our MAN's earlier pin experiment, there is a sight tear in the Tympanum, which we can use to our advantage. This proves as a con for us too. We have to rule out a simpler and approachable refuge behind the Tympanum because obviously some of the solvent can seep in . So, past the Tympanum, we come to the precarious slopes of the Eustachian halls which we should totally avoid unless you want to slide down the walls and slowly drown in a cess pool of mucus. Instead we have to scale the peaks of Malleus, ski down the Anvil and thus reach the Cochlea and the semicircular canals via the Stapes. Now, here we have 2 choices. Either take the route into the semicircular canals - the horizontal one for ease of stay - or wade into the Cochlea and hide amongst the forests of the Corti. Both have their own pros and cons, and infact at this point I would have to let the budullahs' better sense to guide their path. There is no way that the solvent can reach us there.
Now, to the contraptions. Thank the almighty that we are not cursed with the sense of smell! We would have been long extinct if we were able to smell this dung heap that we call MAN, unfortunately we cannot smell the delicious "rice-bran-wax" either. But under the current circumstances, we must count our blessings. So, that rules out any masks for solvent smells which I am told is pretty heavy for the MAN too. But we should take care of the pressure factor. Remember that past the tympanum, the pressure near the Stirrup increases about 17 folds and not even our cultivated ability to adjust to aircraft pressures will help us there. So, I’ve devised a special suit using what is known as the Capstan Principle. For those of you who are interested, this suit has inflatable tubes and cross stitching in the garment which can be used to tighten the suit against the budullah's body thereby counteracting the expansion of gases and fluids of the body. I gleaned this information from this documentary that the MAN was watching about the MAN's mission to some place called the MOON where the altitude causes too much pressure. Using the population poll results, I’ve been able to manufacture as many suits. They are made of the ear buds that are found in the MAN's earphones. We must count our blessings yet again that our MAN works in a call center and listens to music when he is not at work giving us ample time to pillage the ear bud.
Second, adhering to the path. In order to keep from getting lost in the labyrinths, apart from the map of the region, I’ve developed a device that taps on to the electric signals passing along the auditory nerve and thereby helping us stay aligned to the path of the nerve and thus not wander off. Remember, the entire journey ought to be taken along the path of the auditory nerve except during certain detours near the Malleus and near the approach to the Cochlea.
As for knowing the time to come out hiding, Mezhugooni here and myself have decided to stay back and warn you off once the danger has passed by transmitting some pre-decided signals via the tympanum, our very own "war drum". As for our safety, I’ve designed some solvent resistant suits created from the dead skin cells scraped off the epidermis, as you would have noticed that the MAN's skin suffers no damage from the solvent. We have also designed some barges with boards that we managed to salvage when our MAN slept on his table once.
So, there it is gentlemen and lady. A foolproof plan that has been planned meticulously. For those of you who are concerned, we have warned our cousins in the left ear too about this situation and they have decided to follow our methods of escape. Beethowax there is in charge of operations, and being a fellow scientist, has designed the contraptions for his Budullahs too based on the specifications that I gave him. All this of course was transmitted via the Tympanum, long live the Morse Code.
Waximillian: Thanks Keri. There you have gentlemen and lady, the best plan I’ve ever heard and an example for generations to come about the Budullahs that overcame the Solvent! We shall now disperse, we have a lot of things to attend to. May God guide you gentlemen and lady and may he see you through to the end of the canal and beyond as is the current case.
Later that day, phase one of the plan is complete, after a rather passionate parting between Cesara and Mezhugooni of course. Phase two is underway. Hairystotle and Mezhugooni have decided to accompany the Budullahs till as far as the tympanum. They've decided to lodge themselves at the niche between the tympanum and the ear canal. Mo Waxze had done one last reconnaissance run to the outer lobe and had gathered information that the MAN has already been to the pharmacy and that he was going to flood the ear with Debrox soon after he gets "lucky" with his date. How one could ever go out with someone with such a hairy ear was everybody's doubt. You get weirdos everywhere!
Scene 3: At the niche. Parting of ways.
***********************
Waximillian: I don't know what to say Gooni and Keri. All I can do is pray for you.
Hairystotle: Godspeed gentlemen. See you in the about the longest two days of our lives!
Mezhugooni: Goodbye Mr. Cera, give my love to Cesara. Tell her I am marrying her when I see her again.
Waximillian: Son, do you remember? You are speaking to her dad?
Mezhugooni: Sure, I do. Who better to deliver the news to her? Ciao Chief!
Waximillian walks away with the rest of the gang shaking his head.
Hairystotle: That was swell Gooni, you really like living dangerously don't you. If it were not for the present situation, you'd have been breathing through your stomach for the rest of your life.
Mezhugooni: If it weren’t the present situation, I wouldn’t have told him Hairy! Come on, lets get going, chop chop!
They scale the tympanum using the cotton strings that they managed to weave with the cotton plugs that the MAN used to cover his ear with while sleeping. Apparently he didn’t want any insects to get into his ear. Poor soul, he didn’t know a colony of them was living inside already!
They lodge themselves at the niche and start waiting. Soon enough, there comes a huge roar, sooner than they had expected in fact.
Mezhugooni: I should have taken that bet with Ohr Wachs! I knew he wouldn’t get lucky! Our Ohr Wachs is ever the romantic, he was pretty positive that this would be IT for our MAN here!
Hairystotle and Mezhugooni braze themselves for the first wave of the solvent. They are both clad in their epidermal suits and have their barges ready. And voila, the first tidal wave comes in. They count up to 10 gigantic drops of the stuff and almost heave a sigh of relief. That is how much the MAN can use for a ear, but unfortunately, to add a dramatic twist to the story, our MAN puts in 20 drops of the stuff thereby drowning the entire canal, not even the niche is sufficient protection for the brave budullahs. Although they do have the barges there wasn't any space for them to use the barges. They then decide to take a plunge under the solvent and reach for the tear in the Tympanum.
Mezhugooni: What do you mean drag the barge along? What are you? Out of your mind?
Hairystotle: But I’ve spent most of my life in building these contraptions and I don't want to abandon a thing that I’ve taken so much pride in building. don't you see we may never get cardboard to build the thing again?
Mezhugooni: But what use will it be if it serves only like a Viking’s boat in his funeral? Who knows? You may get a chance at a piece of cardboard again someday. Come on, save your breath. We need as much of it to find the tympanum's tear and squeeze through.
Hairystotle: Alright, alright.
Both take a huge gulp of air and dive down. Luckily both of them remember their positions really well so that soon enough they come to the place where they knew the tear was, or so they thought. The wax alongwith the solvent had become a congealed mass and the going was tough enough, but they see that the tear has been clogged shut. They grapple with the rudimentary pick axes that they have and manage to squeeze through. Not without casualty. Because, Hairystotle in a hurry to swing his axe accidentally rips Mezhugooni's suit. Thank heavens that they were in a gelatinous mass and not the actual solvent. The mass seeps into Mezhugooni's suit but doesn't do as much damage as it would have done if it were a liquid. It cripples him a bit though, somehow he grits his teeth and pulls himself through the tear followed closely by Hairystotle. On the other side, owing to the stupidity of the MAN, there is a droplet of solvent left, luckily the rest had slid down the Eustachian. Mezhugooni grits his teeth, pulls himself out of the puddle and manages to find a level ground near the Malleus. Hairystotle keeps profusely apologizing but Mezhugooni shuts him down with a rather grim statement.
Mezhugooni: Aw man! We left the chow back there! Can you believe that? What are we going to do now? The wax buildup has been polluted, its toxic and unfit for eating, what are we going to do doc? What are we going to do.
Hairystotle: Not now Gooni, not now. Let me take a look at your skin, I need to see the damage. Besides we are not hungry yet. Let me think of something. (looks at the wound) Ah, not as bad as I expected, the solvent was congealed and so it couldn’t spread much. Count your blessings Gooni. You will still hurt, am not downplaying that, but it isn’t life threatening. Now, let me see, during my recent trek here, I had deposited a wad of wax somewhere nearby. Not foreseeing something like this, but, ahem, I stashed it away so that I wouldn’t have to show surplus during the rations appraisal. I had just acquired a harvest of "rice bran wax" - very rare indeed in our Caucasian MAN as it is available in only an Asian ear - anyways, not even a calamity of this proportions would make me share this horde. You just wait here son, I'll be back in a jiffy.
So, as the story progresses, Mezhugooni and Hairystotle have a sumptuous meal of the famed rice bran wax. Hairystotle didn’t for once rue the fact that he had to share his booty with Mezhugooni. Even though he had told him that the wound wasn't fatal, Gooni was beginning to look ashen and he was becoming feverish. He needed all the energy that he can spare, hence Hairystotle feeds him almost 3/4ths of the wax supply. Gooni gets delirious but soon enough becomes quite. His body was fighting the toxic substance and it was winning. Soon enough, they hear a soft "whoosh" and all of a sudden they are dazzled by a white light.
Hairystotle: Looks like the bud has come and gone. We've passed the first hazardous phase, now we have to wait for the doctor visit till we sound the all clear!
The rest of the day and the next one passes uneventfully. Mezhugooni snaps out of the illness and is getting restless. He wants to venture into the ear and see for himself as to how the other Budullahs were doing. Only Hairystotle's extreme persuasion skills hold him back. They spend the time in talking about each other's lives and where they intend to go after this issue tides over.
Mezhugooni: I am going to be the chief, man. One day Waxi has got to retire!
Hairystotle: Is that why you are after Cesara?
Mezhugooni: No man, that’s not it. In fact I had even given up on the thought after I met her, it is she who keeps that flame in me alive. She has a whole bunch of things planned for administration and governance. I think I'll let her be the chief.
Hairystotle: But, don't you know Gooni? Hereditary politics are not allowed here! The person should be at least twice removed from the current office holder to be qualified!
Mezhugooni: So who said Cesara was the chief's daughter?
They both burst into a laughter. And so the chatting goes on. Soon enough the date and time of the appointment arrives.
Scene 4: The ENT explores the MAN's ear with his otoscope.
***********************
Doctor: Looks pretty good in there Ray. Squeaky clean in fact. One problem though. Your ear drum has a small tear in it. Been doing something stupid Ray?
MAN aka Ray: Ahem, sorry doc, I don't know what I was thinking! The other day I had this pin in hand. My ear was itching terribly and I just put in the pin and started poking around! Only when I had a sudden pain did I realize that I had done something stupid.
Doctor: You of all people ought to have known better Ray. You work in a call center supporting the world's largest hearing aid manufacturer! You ought to know.
Ray: (sheepishly) Yeah, am sorry
Doctor: No no, not at all. Look here Ray, its you who is hurting now, so why sorry? But anyways its just a small tear. It should mend on its own. But come in for a check in a couple of weeks if you still feel some pain. I'll put in a paper patch which should take care of it.
Ray: Sure Doc. Say, I pay so many visits to you, don't I get even one visit free? Come on!
Doctor: Now now Ray, don't mix business with personal life. Go on, pay your fees and get going, I have a huge list of hairy, waxy ears to look into (quickly) No, no, no, excluding yours of course!
And so, the threat has come and gone. Mezhugooni who feels pretty strong now transmits the message to the other folks using Morse code that the danger has passed. Hairystotle is a bit weak though because he had given most of the supplies to Gooni. But fortunately the latter spots a fresh formation of the wax very near the mouth of the wax glands. He brings some back, they find that it is not toxic and this time Hairystotle gets most of the share. Soon enough they are joined by the rest of the budullahs. They climb back out through the tear to the outer side. Most of their settlements have been destroyed but at least all the ZonkaBudullahs are alive. They have the man power to build more houses. Hairystotle and Mezhugooni are awarded well for their bravery. Mezhugooni gets married to Cesara and they live happily ever after. Well, happily at least till the day when Mo Waxze came running up the canal shouting -
Mo Waxze: He be goin' to the doc again! This time bugger tore the tympanum from the left side!
*************CURTAINS****************
Reference:
2. Name guide:
Ohr Wachs - German for ear wax
Cera – Spanish for wax
Mezhugoo – Tamil for wax
Cesara - Spanish for long haired
Keri – Greek for wax
Comments